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The Art of Living Imperfectly

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Recovering Bad Mom

August 9, 2017 by Darcy 1 Comment

I feel like I’ve already lied to you. Maybe you have this idea that I’m the kind of mom who always uses parenting best practices like mirroring my toddler’s feelings, encouraging my baby to sleep independently and making healthy, nutritious meals at every turn. False.

I lose my temper too often, Bear largely took swing naps for most of summer, and Fox ate frozen waffles and cheese pizza for dinner last night.

That’s most of the time, but sometimes I’m really bad. I lose my cool in ways that I immediately regret and sometimes I feel like maybe, just maybe, I’ve done something to crack the foundation of my sons’ love. So how does one recover?
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Admit you made mistakes.

I think it’s dangerous to make yourself infallible in your children’s eyes. Better to own your humble humanity early and often than to set yourself up for a colossal fall later. In confessing your mistakes, use language your child can replicate to express his or her own instances of remorse.

Reconnect.

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Let’s be honest.  This might be my son’s favorite way to reconnect.  

Pick something that’s a guaranteed win-story time, bath time, a walk, etc. Even if it falls outside of your scheduled time for this activity, do something to bring you back together. It can be as simple as an invitation to see or hear something. Fox loves hearing my hummingbird music box or seeing toys from when I was a kid (my Sylvanian collection is quite awesome). I think kids just like knowing that for those moments, they have YOU, their most rewarding prize, and hopefully, shared and engaged moments trump enraged ones.
Make a commitment to a better tomorrow.

Of course, we all hope that there will be no next time, and when I’m at my most remorseful, I’d like to believe I’ll never be impatient, terse or cranky again, but that’s probably not realistic. Instead of just pledging to improve, name at least one concrete thing you can do differently the next time. For my toddler, I like to offer substitute phrases or actions: “Next time, instead of hitting the dog when he’s sniffing your toy, you could…” For myself, I’ve asked Fox to remind me to take some breaths when he can see I’m getting upset. This is a strategy I’ve given him as well, but I’m hoping he’ll sense its power (and his) when he encourages a grown up to breathe.jordan-whitt-145327.jpg

Reflect

When you have a chance, think about the context of your blow up.  What factors pushed you or your child over the edge?  Sometimes, when Fox chases the dog at night, he’s covering up the fact that he has a dirty diaper.  If I can check and address the diaper early on, I might be able to prevent the interactions with the dog that drive me crazy.  Both Fox and I get very “hangry.” Maybe your crew has similar triggers, so try to identify obvious factors like hunger, tiredness, or discomfort associated with bad mom moments.  Carry snacks in your purse or car, set a firm nap time and be ready with weather appropriate extras such as a sweater or a sunshade for the car window.  These sound like things a super prepared mom would do, but even mediocre little old me can manage a few of them if I take time to reflect on what’s gone poorly and why.

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I can’t imagine there’s a parent out there who feels she’s getting it right all of the time, although there’s probably quite a few who pretend it’s true on Facebook.  For the rest of us, there will be times when we wish we could delete things we’ve said and done from our kids’ memories.  However, I’d like to believe that by seeking to connect, developing strategies for improvement and reflecting on what’s working and what’s not, we can minimize those bad mom moments and focus on enjoying our time with the most meaningful people in our lives.

How do you recover from bad mom moments?  I’d love to hear some more suggestions from moms who have been there.

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Filed Under: Momma Stuff Tagged With: anger, bad mom, best practices, meltdowns, recovering, talking to kids, tantrums, temper

Five Literary Ways to Say Goodnight

August 8, 2017 by Darcy 1 Comment

Tired of the same old goodnight stories? Well, you might just have to suffer as I recently read that toddlers love the predictability of repetition. However, if your bub (or you) are up for trying something new (at least new to you), maybe one of the following titles will entice:

(I know people hate gendered lists, but I have boys. So this is a lists of books for boys, but if they sound like topics your girls would like, then it’s also a list for girls)


1. Goodnight Moon by Margaret Wise Brown. Pictures by Clement Hurd.

The quintessential goodnight book. I love the cozy imagery and quiet language, though I did read a hysterical analysis of its illustrations and words by The Ugly Volvo http://www.theuglyvolvo.com/issues-goodnight-moon-bedroom/. I read this book to Fox every night for about a year and even when I had it memorized, it was still a hug in words.

Snooziest line: “And goodnight to the old lady whispering ‘hush.'”


2. Steam Train, Dream Train by Sherri Duskey Rinker and Tom Lightenheld.

A fanciful description of a train that carries the stuff of dreams. The vivid illustrations are dusky and dreamy, offering a visual buffet for young peepers while delivering its description in perfect train-like rhythm.

Snooziest line: “Sleep train, dream train… Chhhhh…goodnight.”


3. Go to Sleep, Little Farm by Mary Lyn Ray.

This book pits a little girl’s (see, not so boyish of a list, right?) bed time rituals against their natural counterparts. Beautifully illustrated by one of my favorite children’s artists, Christopher Silas Neal, it’s a rural lullaby.

Snooziest line: “Now is the dark time. Now night has come.”


4. I Love You, Stinky Face by Lisa McCourt. Illustrated by Cyd Moore.

Originally a Valentine’s Day gift for Fox, this story is a Q and A between a boy and his mother about the depth of her love (spoiler alert: she’d love her son even if he were a stinky, swamp monster).

Snooziest line: “I would sing to you until your one droopy eyelid finally closed and you fell fast asleep.”

Bonus: An excellent illustration of the subjunctive verb mood for English teachers and geeks alike.

5. Where do Diggers Sleep at Night? By Brianna Caplan Sayres. Illustrated by Christian Slade.

A burning question, to be sure. This tale also explores the sleep zones of snow plows, tow trucks and tractors, amongst other favorites.

Snooziest line: “Where do your trucks sleep at night when it’s time to go to bed? They’ll be waiting in your toy box when you wake, my sleepyhead.”

What am I missing? Share your snooziest stories with me.

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Filed Under: Momma Stuff Tagged With: bedtime stories, read aloud, sleep

The Helpers: Giving Kids a Way to Respond to Tragedy

August 7, 2017 by Darcy Leave a Comment

ambulanceThe story unfolded like a nightmare: kids, babies really, had been shot at Sandy Hook Elementary. As a teacher, this news story encapsulated my worst fears as a professional.

However, leave it to Mr. Rogers to give me a means to see past the sheer terror and despair of the situation. Sandy Hook was five years ago; today, Mr. Rogers’ words give me a lens through which my son can see any tragedy we come across.

See, Mr. Rogers once explained that in emergencies, his mother always reminded him to focus on the helpers: the first responders, the every day heroes, the shoulders we lean on.

Now, when we hear a siren, witness an accident-even when his Matchbox ‘crash,’ we talk about the helpers.

We also find ways to be the helpers. At Target, we hang up items that have fallen, we work to cheer up his brother or feed the dog. He says, uh oh, Mama! Then we say, here come the helpers!

Rather than see the world as a fearful place where bad things happen, I hope he will see the world as a place where everyday people have the power to make a difference.

In this same light, I was excited to catch a part of the WE Day celebration broadcast the other day on CBS; it felt like high time the media celebrated all the good young people are doing in the world.  My students have long read Craig Kielburger’s Free the Children, which alerts youth to the concept of child labor. It’s exciting to think that more young people will take on similarly worthy causes through organizations such as Kielburger’s.

Focusing on the helpers is one coping skill I hope to give my boys; in what other ways do you moms and teachers help kids overcome tragedy and be a force for change?

P.S. One supremely easy way to be a helper is through Johnson & Johnson’s Donate a Photo campaign. Simply pick your cause and upload a photo in its name. Truly, that’s all.

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Filed Under: Momma Stuff Tagged With: helpers, Mr. Rogers, raising sons, talking to kids, Tragedy

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